I was cleaning the mirrors in my house and what I saw in the mirrors was very unappealing. My lips where turned down, my eyes appeared hollow. So I went to the next mirrored image of my self and realized the view was not changing. When did I become so drab? When did my life change and how can I get my self approval back. I can’t understand why anyone even wants to be around me. I am getting sick of myself if that is possible.
I haven’t done any excise physically since September 2019. And I have been dreading the thought of getting on the scale. I am going on a cruise and I look and fell horrible. So today I’m starting the Lemon cleanse and have vowed to get on my Elliptical an hour every day. My daughter Honey came by the house as I was finishing my work out today and asked ” momma why are you just starting work out the week of your vacation”? Well I told her a lie. I told her I started weeks ago. Although she knew the true. She told me that I look good. I don’t like to burden my family with my personal issues. I don’t want them worried about me because they the have their own life’s to live and challenges to face. I want to be their for them as a mother who has experienced life and be able to share some of my wisdom with them and try to impact their lives in a positive why. I have not always been the mother I should have been. But I believe I can be a better person for them now , on the days when they allow me into their worlds.
I use to believe that I was a very positive person but here lately I have had to put on a face of happiness and satisfaction for others when all I want to do is climb into a closet, close the doors and just …. My faith has also changed in ways I would never have imagined… So what now, I guess I’ll continue to fake it until I make it THRU WHAT EVER IS GOING ON WITH ME. Although it really kills me inside to think and be this way. Is this my true destiny. I’m so tired of being miserable and in despair, I’m getting on my own damn nerves. But I will never put the stress of my life on my children.
I share some of my feelings with my husband but not often. He thinks kissing me and telling me that he loves me 100 times a day should make me feel better. Or saying Im beautiful and sexy is suppose to change how I fell. And it does not, it only makes me want to get out of this marriage more. He is the type of man that requires a lot of attention so he is constantly smothering me with love, not understanding that he is pushing me away. No matter how many ways I try to tell him I’m overwhelmed with life, the more he needs to be affectionate. And the funniest thing about all of this is I don’t know what I would do without him. Because I really love him but I don’t want to be coddled and petted I want some space. I wish he wasn’t so needy for affection that I don’t seem to be about to supply him with. I’m realy not sure how much longer I’m going to be able to hold all these fellings inside. I fell like I’m going to explode. The one positive thing outside of having the unconditional love from my grandkids, is my blogs have been beneficial , being able to put some of my feelins to words.
I’m truly trying to keep my life together. Struggling TOO…. STAY POSITIVE… STAY FOCUSED… STAY PRAYERFUL…. THIS LAST ONE HAS BECOME A REAL CHALLANGE. BUT IM STILL HERE.
